A second try

广东 彭 英

主题语境：人与自我 篇幅：396词 建议用时：7分钟

1It was commencement at our college.People were pouring into the hall as I entered it.Finding the choice seats in the center of the hall already taken,I pressed forward,looking to the right and left for a seat.Finally,I found one in the very front row.

2Here a little girl moved along to make room for me,looking into my face with large gray eyes.Again and again I found my eyes turning to the rose-like face,and each time the gray eyes moved half-smiling to meet mine.Obviously,she was ready to make friends with me.And when,with a bright smile,she returned my dropped handkerchief,and I said“thank you”,we seemed good friends.

3Other persons now coming into the seats,crowded me quite close to the girl.Her face beamed with pleasure and pride as she said,“My brother is going to graduate.He's going to deliver a speech.I've brought these flowers to send to him.”

4“That is my brother,”she went on,“that handsome one with brown wavy hair.There!He's waving his hands now.You see him,don't you?”“I see him,”I responded.“He's a very good-looking brother.”“Yes,he is beautiful,”she said with delight.“And he's so good and studies so hard that he has an honor to speak.”

5“His speech is a good one,and he says it beautifully.He has said it to me many times that I almost know it by heart,”the girl continued.“What a pretty girl!”I thought,looking down into her bright proud face.

6As the ceremony went on,my little friend became excited and restless.Her eyes grew brighter and brighter,two deep-red spots glowed on her cheeks.“Now,it's his turn,”she said,turning to me with a face in which pride, delight and anxiety seemed equally mixed.She rose to her feet and tiptoed for a better view of her brother.By her deep breathing,I knew her heart was thumping in her throat.By the way,her brother came up the steps and onto the stage,I also knew he was trembling.His face was pale and lips were blue as with a cold.I felt anxious that he might have been seized by stage fright.The little girl,too,seemed to realize things were not well with him.

Reading Check

阅读上面的短文，根据所给情节进行续写，使之构成一个完整的故事。注意：

1.所续写短文的词数应为150左右；

2.续写部分分为两段，每段的开头语已为你写好。

Paragraph 1:

Something like fear showed in her face.______________________________________

Paragraph 2:

Surprisingly,she came up to the president,asking,“Will you let my brother try again?”__________________________________________________________________

Step 1 语篇研读

本文是一篇记叙文，要做到续写内容与所给材料内容连贯、衔接紧密，必须分析文本结构、捕捉关键信息并挖掘文本承载的文化与价值观。本文解读如下：

Step 2 情节构思

根据所给材料和续写段落首句提供的信息，构思续写部分的故事情节，这一过程分为四步。

第一步，根据原文和给出的两个段首句领悟文章的主旨大意和作者的情感态度。

通过小女孩与“我”的交流及“我”的观察，我们可以了解到小女孩为即将进行毕业演讲的哥哥感到骄傲和自豪。她佩服哥哥的成绩，认同哥哥的想法，看到哥哥成功就好像自己获得了成功一样。她的哥哥非常优秀，非常努力，他的演讲词非常精彩，他准备得也非常好，于是她在焦急、兴奋和紧张中期待哥哥登台演讲。终于轮到哥哥了，小女孩非常兴奋和紧张，可是她发现哥哥有点不对劲，哥哥好像特别紧张和害怕……由此，我们可以推断本文要传达的主题为：兄妹情深和勇气。

第二步，围绕续写第一段所给出的段首句“Something like fear showed in her face.”预测故事情节的发展，我们可以根据下面的提问进行构思：

（1）Did her brother deliver the speech as smoothly as planned?

（2）If he did,what would happen next?If not,what would happen next?

Clues:Describe fear from the view of emotions,actions and psychology.

第三步，根据续写第二段所给出的段首句倒推续写第一段的内容，注意保持续写第一段末尾句与续写第二段首句之间语言与情节的衔接与连贯。例如,根据续写第二段的段首句“Surprisingly,she came up to the president,asking,‘Will you let my brother try again?’”可以推断，在续写第一段中应该着重描写小女孩的哥哥由于紧张，表现不好，可能忘词了。

第四步，围绕续写第二段的段首句，根据下面的提问进行构思：

（1）Did the president give them a second try?

（2）If her brother was given the chance,what would he do and how would the girl and the audience react to it?

（3）How would the story end?

Step 3 语言打磨

一、语言特色

1.Again and again I found my eyes turning to the rose-like face,and each time the gray eyes moved half-smiling to meet mine.我的眼睛一次又一次地瞥向这玫瑰般的脸蛋，而她的灰色眼睛也总会浅笑着迎上我的视线。

【点石成金】本句中的found my eyes turning to the rose-like face 为“动词+宾语+宾补”结构；half-smiling 意为“浅笑”，作伴随状语；mine在此处指my eyes。

2.“Now,it's his turn,”she said,turning to me with a face in which pride,delight and anxiety seemed equally mixed.“现在轮到他了。”她转过身对我说，脸上似乎带着一种自豪、高兴又担忧的表情。

【点石成金】turning to me with a face...作伴随状语；in which pride,delight and anxiety seemed equally mixed 是限制性定语从句，修饰前面的先行词a face。

二、语言模式

（一）情感的表达方式

1.With a bright smile,she returned my dropped handkerchief.

2.Her face beamed with pleasure and pride.

3.“Yes,he is beautiful,”she said with delight.

4.“What a pretty girl!”I thought,looking down into her bright proud face.

5.As the ceremony went on,my little friend became excited and restless.

6.Her eyes grew brighter and brighter,two deep-red spots glowed on her cheeks.

7.“Now,it's his turn,”she said,turning to me with a face in which pride,delight and anxiety seemed equally mixed.

8.By her deep breathing,I knew her heart was thumping in her throat.

9.His face was pale and lips were bule as with a cold.

10.I felt anxious that he might have been seized by stage fright.

（二）动作的表达方式

1.People were pouring into the hall as I entered it.

2.I pressed forward,looking to the right and left for a seat.

3.Other persons now coming into the seats,crowded me quite close to the girl.

4.She rose to her feet and tiptoed for a better view of her brother.

（三）写作手法

1.Again and again I found my eyes turning to the rose-like face.(simile)

2.His face was pale and lips were blue as with a cold.(comparison)

3.By her deep breathing,I knew her heart was thumping in her throat.By the way her brother came up the steps and onto the stage,I also knew he was trembling.(parallelism)

Step 4 润色成篇

读后续写是模仿原文语言并进行再创造的写作题型，因此续写内容应该在主题意义、情节、语言风格、结构逻辑层面与原文保持一致。具体如下：

（1）主题意义：兄妹情深、勇气。

（2）情节：续写的情节应与原文的情节发展吻合，我们要根据人物的性格特点和故事发展的逻辑，进行合理的续写。

（3）语言风格：在写作手法上，原文通过情感描写、动作描写、人物对话等刻画人物性格；在语法和句式上，用非谓语、独立主格结构等来传达文意；在修辞手法上，用比喻和排比等修辞手法进行生动形象的描写。因此，在进行续写时应保持以上语言风格的统一。

（4）结构逻辑：注意两个续写段落篇幅的平衡性、语法和衔接词的准确性、词汇的丰富性、语言的流畅性和得体性。